Jason Littrell from Death & Co and Anthony from El Dorado

Day 1 - total meat overdose

It's a sad day when you stumble across Iggy Pop, the godfather of punk himself, jumping around like a hyper child in need of Ritalin, hawking insurance.
Most will see this as a blatant corporate cash in, but in order to continue to respect the man, we'd like to look at it another way.

In our version, Iggy was flipping the channels one night after coming home from a long evening of cutting his chest, smearing it with peanut butter and shooting up Draino, when he comes across an hour-long infomercial for the Yacht Rock Hits collection, hosted by Air Supply.  Completely baffled and angered, he switches channels, only to find Smokey Robinson selling hair products, Linda Ronstadt promoting her line of sweaters on QVC and Robert Plant exhorting the comfort and pleasure of a particular brand of adult diapers.

"We have to change this," he says out loud in his empty living room.  "The rock star corporate puppet model needs an overhaul and I'm the man to do it!"

After minutes of searching the Internet, Iggy finds a small car insurance company that only seems to operate in Northern Ireland, and lays out his plan to them.  He will do the commercial for free, but it has to be short and of a quality and ferocity unknown in rock 'n roll advertising up until now.

They agree (mostly because he only asks for a bag of cocaine and a pair of leather chaps as payment) and an ad is made where Iggy flails around and yells about his birth certificate.

He is convinced that it will be a hit.

Unfortunately, much like the first Stooges record, no one cares and his vision does not change the face of corporate advertising.

The Air Supply ad continues to play, Smokey and Linda still sell their products to mass acclaim and Iggy is left hoping that someday, maybe years from now, people will understand his ideas.  He is a visionary, and sometimes it takes more than a single viewing of Swiftcover in order to understand the complexity and depth of what he is saying about society.

Maybe it will take some time, but he will eventually be acknowledged for being ahead of the trends yet again.  He turns off the television and goes to sleep with a smile on his face.

Or, more likely, he needed some money to buy golf clubs and this company offered him a butt-load of money to whore himself out.

Yeah, that's probably it...
 

Real World Brooklyn premieres tonight on MTV, ending the speculations among hipsters everywhere about who are these people and what will MTV do to Brooklyn’s nightlife.

With only hours to go before the premier, Brooklyn and the rest of the country will have to find out together. Yes, there is little else to do except sit on your second-hand couch in your loft and stare open-mouthed at your television, watching the train wreck.  

Well, sort of.

We are Lush Life are not ones for sitting idly while this show of mass destruction takes to the air waves.  Tonight, we are taking bets on what we think will go down during this charade.

Feel free to ad your own, but here is what we are betting on:

— Cast gets lost trying to find their apartment, instead ends up drunkenly sleeping on Firmhokken beds at Red Hook Ikea: 2-1

— Cast member brings home an employee from Barcade: 4-1

— Cast member brings home a patron from Barcade with a "Prince Valiant" haircut and a vintage Skate-or-Die T-shirt: 1-1

— After getting the secret phone number for Milk & Honey the cast is bared from ever returning for attempting to order Chocolatinis: 3-1

— The cast opens their own shop in Williamsburg, selling coffee tables made out of recycled laundry detergent bottles.  No one shops there: 5-1

— Half the cast ends up in the ER after drinking the Chateau Diana, the disgusting swill "wine product" sold exclusively in Brooklyn bodegas: 9-1

— Homely girl joins a hipster knitting circle, and finds sexual empowerment in knitting her own sexy underwear and vibrator covers: 5-2

— After hearing about Electroclash the cast takes a trip to Luxx on Grand St., only to find Trash Bar in it's place.  They sing karaoke until 3am and one of them goes home with Eric, the bartender: 4-1

— Punk cast member goes vegan after eating a faux chili dog at Foodswings, chastises the rest of the group for the rest of the season for eating meat: 12-1

— After buying coke from a small child on a bicycle, the group goes out dancing, but mistakenly ends up at a Russian club in Brighton Beach.  Hilarity ensues: 8-1

So, sit back tonight with a drink in your hand and see if we're right.  Either way, Real World Brooklyn can definitely be as ridiculous as we think it might.
 

With the president telling the world he’s got a plan to save everybody’s economies and casual lower-impact fare on every restaurateur’s mind, isn’t it a little Clinton-era for a name chef to fly into town to cook Japanese-French fusion in a beautifully appointed restaurant on the western tip of Soho? Well, we at Lush Life are suckers for a good throwback (I’m still bumpin’ Latyrx like it’s ‘98), and Archipelago is no exception. Being fortunate enough to attend a friends and family seating, we got a taste of what their site means when it proclaims a “new wave of French-Japanese nouvelle cuisine.” In culinary terms, it’s not far off from Asiate, the first restaurant that comes to mind from that proclamation. The kitchen perches itself on a high-wire with Salmon crackling in one hand and Cabernet-Yuzu reduction for a reinterpreted Cote de Beuf in the other. Like Norie Sugie, Chef Osaka seems to be plenty cool with taking risks when culling preparations from both cultures. The space is decidedly different, though. The warmth of the room’s design, the open kitchen, and the casually confident service immediately encourage you to relax, you’re safely downtown, not umpteen stories above Columbus Circle.

Highlights included Usuzukuri, an artfully composed appetizer featuring Fluke cradling bites of scallion and yuzu bathed by a clam gelee. The sensation that this thing is great doesn’t hit you until the finish. There’s a definite pay-off in the restraint placed upon the flavor of each ingredient to create a harmonious plate. The menu has an entire section between mains and dessert, Shokuji. I thought, “Alright… clever… ‘Appetizer: The Sequel.’” After ordering the Chawan Mushi, I don’t care whatever American dining habits may eventually make of the course. It’s my official remedy for winter. At first glimpse, it’s deceptively plain. As a server uncovers a small pot there’s no fanfare for the single large ravioli staring up at you. Breaking it releases a perfectly spiced filling of green curry that enlivens the layers of dashi custard and sticky rice risotto that were hidden beneath it. Made aromatic by the chicken jus that ties it all together, this is an intensely satisfying dish that would be perfect alongside a good lager at the bar while the wind howls outside.

More surprising than the Chawan Mushi was a vodka martini that explodes the notion that a vodka martini be little more than a chaser for post-Botox treatment pharmaceuticals. Yeah, that is my notion. The Parisian uses Grey Goose as a canvas upon which to delicately paint an aperitif teeming with soft and savory flavors. This is not just a Vesper without gin and bitters. And this wouldn’t be the Lush Life if we didn’t tell you how to make one (way easier to make than Usuzukuri), so before you get to the slideshow here’s our adaptation of GM Susan Lee’s recipe…

The Parisian

<sup>2.0 Grey Goose
1. Lillet Blanc
Splash of Noilly Prat
Coarse-cracked Pepper & Maldon Salt or Fleur de Sel.</sup>
_{Prep: Combine all ingredients over ice rinsed with Noilly P. and stir thoroughly.
Serve: In a coupe with Nicoise olives for garnish.}

At Lush Life, the perks are endless.  One of the greatest things about writing for this blog is the opportunity to experience once in a lifetime events for free.  So today, I get a call from Lindsey, asking me if I would like to go see Elvis Costello at The Apollo.  Of course I said yes, considering that Mr. Costello is one of my all-time favorite artists.  Sure, he hasn't put out a consistently great album since the Reagan administration, but hell, he might play "Radio, Radio," and that's good enough for me.  Secondly, she tells me that he is appearing with Jenny Lewis from Rilo Kiley (a guilty pleasure, I admit), and She & Him.  She tells me to meet Leo (our other main Lush Lifer) at the theater at 7pm.  What follows is a timeline of my experience at the show.  It may not be all that literary, but it's a look inside the mind of a pretty big Costello fan as his dreams and worship of an idol is slowly crushed.  Enjoy!
 
7:05pm:  I find Leo outside of The Apollo.  He tells me that we will be unable to sneak a camera into the venue, and that I should get on line at will-call and pick up my ticket.  I eagerly do so.
 
7:24pm:  We are seated in the lower mezzanine overlooking the orchestra.  There are cameras everywhere, apparently this is being filmed for some kind of television show.  We are next to the boom operator and Leo has taken out his iPhone and decided to do the best he can with taking pictures.  The theater is still three quarters empty even though the confirmation email we received told us that the doors would be closed at exactly 7:30pm.
 
7:57pm:  The theater is still about half empty.  A production assistant tells us that we have to move downstairs to fill in the empty seats in the orchestra.  Looks like there aren't as many people here as they would've liked.  We sit in the back of the orchestra by the center camera.  Leo tells me about his dating life.
 
8:01pm:  Absolute pandemonium.  The crew is running around, trying to fill in empty seats as well as set up cameras and equipment.  Who knows when this will start?
 
8:03pm:  I am absolutely prepared for bad white people dancing with their hands in the air like those late night commercials for Christian rock CDs.  There is a giant screen showing a variety of pictures of Elvis Costello with the words "Spectacle: Elvis Costello with..."  next to the photos.  I explain to Leo the direct correlation between the down-turn in Costello's career with his purchase of that black fedora that he seems to wear all the time.  I wonder if that hat posesses magical powers of suck.  Maybe it was bought at the same store that the dad from Gremlins got Gizmo.
 
8:05pm:  A producer comes onstage to explain that "Spectacle"  is a new television talk show hosted by Elvis Costello that will premiere on the Sundance Channel in December.  A talk show starring Elvis?  Now that's a great idea!  After all, he is one of the most literate rockstars of the past 30 years. He'll make a great host.  This is gonna be awesome!
 
8:09pm:  Elvis takes the stage.  Oh no, he's wearing that fucking hat.  This might suck.
 
8:10pm:  The band starts a song.  It must be the theme song.  It's not very good.  Elvis does a monologue about how music is more like water than a rhinocerous.  It doesn't make much sense.  The crowd seems confused.  He may be drunk.
 
8:12pm:  Elvis introduces She & Him and they perform a new song.  Zooey Deschanel is one of my favorite actresses.  Every man in the theater is staring wide-eyed and open mouthed at her as she sways in a tiny blue dress singing a country song.  Her eyes aren't as blue as they are in the movies, but I still love her.
 
8:17pm:  Stools are brought out onstage and Elvis interviews Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward.  I can see Zooey's underwear.  Elvis makes jokes that no one laughs at.  He also talks about himself a lot, occasionally stopping to ask a question that She & Him don't answer.  This is awkward.  I wonder if Elvis will give us all cars like Oprah did for her audience.  Leo doesn't think so.
 
8:29pm:  M. Ward reminds me of Teller from Penn & Teller.  He nods his head a lot, but doesn't actually say anything.  Oh, now he's talking.  About Phil Spector.  He's kind of pretentious.  I liked him better when he didn't speak.  Elvis is wearing an ugly scarf and a black Napolean-type jacket, even though it's very hot in here.  His outfit is ridiculous.
 
8:38pm:  Jenny Lewis comes out during the interview.  I notice that Elvis is leaning against his stool, but not actually sitting down.  I wonder if he has hemmorrhoids.  Surely he can afford one of those donut pillows, right?  Also, M. Ward is sitting between Jenny Lewis and Zooey Deschanel as they both talk about how great it is to work with him.  He looks uncomfortable and isn't speaking again.  I imagine that this is a "Jerry Springer"  taping instead, and any minute Zooey and Jenny will attack each other over who M. Ward loves more.  Anything would be more interesting than this.  Costello is the worst interviewer I've ever seen, and Zooey is kind of a moron.
 
8:50pm:  Jenny Lewis plays "Pretty Bird"  off of her upcoming album, Acid Tongue.  It's kind of good in a slick corporate kind of way.  Much better than the song Elvis Costello opened the show with.
 
9:00pm:  Break in shooting.  People are escaping like mad.  The crew are trying to convince them to stay, but to no avail.  Run hipsters, run!  Escape the trainwreck!

9:09pm:  Elvis interviews Jakob Dylan.  He is wearing a cowboy hat.  The stage just got a lot less attractive.  Now there are two stupid hats on one stage.  Dylan just used the word "compadre".  What an asshole.
 
9:15pm:  Music dork-out in full effect between Dylan and Costello.  Elvis just said that "A Boy Named Sue" was written by Johnny Cash (it was Shel Silverstein), and Jakob Dylan said that "Lost in the Supermarket" by The Clash was sung by Joe Strummer (it was actually sung by Mick Jones).  If you are going to talk about music, at least know your facts. Elvis is reminiscing about Joe Strummer.  He might cry.
 
9:23pm:  Now Costello is talking about old soul singers with Dylan.  He has just sung the praises of Aretha Franklin, Solomon Burke, Otis Redding, and Sam Cooke.  Does anyone else remember when he called Ray Charles "a blind fucking nigger"?  I guess not...
 
9:25pm:  Costello is like your drunken uncle who's lived quite a life, and should have fascinating stories, but instead just rambles on with no point.  His stories go nowhere and Jakob Dylan is boring.  At least with Jenny and Zooey I had something to stare at, not just two assholes in ridiculous hats.
 
9:30pm:  Dylan just started playing an acoustic version of his Wallflowers hit "One Headlight".  It sounds like his dad circa Nashville Skyline but horrible.  I wish that one headlight would illuminate the crowd, showing how unsatisfied they are.
 
9:45pm:  Dylan and Costello play another song after lots of tuning.  This is like watching an old man blues jam at the afformentioned uncle's house.  I think the song is called "Masterpiece".  Whatever.
 
9:52pm:  Another break in shooting.  The great crowd exodus part two continues.
 
9:59pm:  Elvis is interviewing Jakob Dylan again.  I think Leo is sleeping.  Elvis just keeps asking rambling, leading questions and then cuts off the subject to answer it himself.
 
10:05pm:  Leo is awake again and digging his nails into the flesh in his wrist.  He stopped blinking a few minutes ago.  I'm scared.  My ass is also sweaty and stuck to the seat.
 
10:15pm:  All-Star jam with Costello, Deschanel, Lewis, and her boyfriend, musician Jonathan Rice.  I think the song is called "Carpetbagger".

 
10:20pm:  Another song, I think the title is "Why Don't You Go Away".  It's a rocker, and actually kind of good.  I wonder about what sex between Jonathan Rice and Jenny Lewis must be like.  I bet it's a mess of hair and vintage clothing.
 
10:28pm:  Another song with Jakob Dylan.  No, wait...Elvis needs to tell shitloads of stories that go nowhere.  And then it's back to the ASS-KISSING AND VERBAL HANDJOBS!  WOO HOO!
 
10:32pm:  Dylan and Costello play "Straight to Hell"  by The Clash.
 
10:39pm:  All the artists featured join the band onstage for a version of Nick Lowe's "What's So Funny ('Bout Peace, Love, and Understanding)".  It's actually really good.  I come to a couple of realizations during the song:
 

1. Tennessee Thomas (The Attractions drummer Pete Thomas' daughter) is a pretty darn good drummer for a ten year old.  Too bad she's dressed like a pilgrim.
2. Jonathan Rice looks like a shitty Gram Parsons mixed with that guy that invites Billy Crudup to the party in Almost Famous.
3. Zooey Deschanel can't dance and has no rhythm.
4. Jenny Lewis is dancing like she needs a pole to swing on.
5. Jakob Dylan is one "molestache" and 50 years away from looking exactly like his dad.
6. M. Ward looks like he is on medication that makes him unaware of his surroundings.
7. The rest of the band is old as dirt, and...
8. I'm pretty sure Elvis Costello's guitar isn't even plugged in.

 
Good times.
 

We speak our mind here at Lush Life, whether or not it gets us in trouble.  Unlike some other "blogs" that are simply shills for companies and business interests, we speak our minds when something rubs us the wrong way. 

That's why it was of little surprise to us when we checked our email not six hours after posting about the upcoming Mr. & Mrs. Williamsburg Pageant and found this:

From: "mrandmiss williamsburg"
Date: September 5, 2008 6:38:14 AM EDT
To: "Lindsey Johnson"
Subject: Re: Press Credentials

Due to high demand we are no longer able to offer your organization press access. Please feel free to enter with general admission. Thank you and our apologies for the inconvenience.

-Pageant Staff

Yes, that's right, we had our press passes revoked for a FREE EVENT!  How much do you want to bet that this woman sits around googling herself all day?  Oh, when she's not out stealing beer....

“Hey there muscly arm, wanna popsicle, they’re in my basement”  

^{Photo Courtesy of PlainOldBob.Com}

From the Bev Naps of Lush Life's Cocktail Assassin, Allan Delgado.