At Lush Life, the perks are endless.  One of the greatest things about writing for this blog is the opportunity to experience once in a lifetime events for free.  So today, I get a call from Lindsey, asking me if I would like to go see Elvis Costello at The Apollo.  Of course I said yes, considering that Mr. Costello is one of my all-time favorite artists.  Sure, he hasn't put out a consistently great album since the Reagan administration, but hell, he might play "Radio, Radio," and that's good enough for me.  Secondly, she tells me that he is appearing with Jenny Lewis from Rilo Kiley (a guilty pleasure, I admit), and She & Him.  She tells me to meet Leo (our other main Lush Lifer) at the theater at 7pm.  What follows is a timeline of my experience at the show.  It may not be all that literary, but it's a look inside the mind of a pretty big Costello fan as his dreams and worship of an idol is slowly crushed.  Enjoy!
 
7:05pm:  I find Leo outside of The Apollo.  He tells me that we will be unable to sneak a camera into the venue, and that I should get on line at will-call and pick up my ticket.  I eagerly do so.
 
7:24pm:  We are seated in the lower mezzanine overlooking the orchestra.  There are cameras everywhere, apparently this is being filmed for some kind of television show.  We are next to the boom operator and Leo has taken out his iPhone and decided to do the best he can with taking pictures.  The theater is still three quarters empty even though the confirmation email we received told us that the doors would be closed at exactly 7:30pm.
 
7:57pm:  The theater is still about half empty.  A production assistant tells us that we have to move downstairs to fill in the empty seats in the orchestra.  Looks like there aren't as many people here as they would've liked.  We sit in the back of the orchestra by the center camera.  Leo tells me about his dating life.
 
8:01pm:  Absolute pandemonium.  The crew is running around, trying to fill in empty seats as well as set up cameras and equipment.  Who knows when this will start?
 
8:03pm:  I am absolutely prepared for bad white people dancing with their hands in the air like those late night commercials for Christian rock CDs.  There is a giant screen showing a variety of pictures of Elvis Costello with the words "Spectacle: Elvis Costello with..."  next to the photos.  I explain to Leo the direct correlation between the down-turn in Costello's career with his purchase of that black fedora that he seems to wear all the time.  I wonder if that hat posesses magical powers of suck.  Maybe it was bought at the same store that the dad from Gremlins got Gizmo.
 
8:05pm:  A producer comes onstage to explain that "Spectacle"  is a new television talk show hosted by Elvis Costello that will premiere on the Sundance Channel in December.  A talk show starring Elvis?  Now that's a great idea!  After all, he is one of the most literate rockstars of the past 30 years. He'll make a great host.  This is gonna be awesome!
 
8:09pm:  Elvis takes the stage.  Oh no, he's wearing that fucking hat.  This might suck.
 
8:10pm:  The band starts a song.  It must be the theme song.  It's not very good.  Elvis does a monologue about how music is more like water than a rhinocerous.  It doesn't make much sense.  The crowd seems confused.  He may be drunk.
 
8:12pm:  Elvis introduces She & Him and they perform a new song.  Zooey Deschanel is one of my favorite actresses.  Every man in the theater is staring wide-eyed and open mouthed at her as she sways in a tiny blue dress singing a country song.  Her eyes aren't as blue as they are in the movies, but I still love her.
 
8:17pm:  Stools are brought out onstage and Elvis interviews Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward.  I can see Zooey's underwear.  Elvis makes jokes that no one laughs at.  He also talks about himself a lot, occasionally stopping to ask a question that She & Him don't answer.  This is awkward.  I wonder if Elvis will give us all cars like Oprah did for her audience.  Leo doesn't think so.
 
8:29pm:  M. Ward reminds me of Teller from Penn & Teller.  He nods his head a lot, but doesn't actually say anything.  Oh, now he's talking.  About Phil Spector.  He's kind of pretentious.  I liked him better when he didn't speak.  Elvis is wearing an ugly scarf and a black Napolean-type jacket, even though it's very hot in here.  His outfit is ridiculous.
 
8:38pm:  Jenny Lewis comes out during the interview.  I notice that Elvis is leaning against his stool, but not actually sitting down.  I wonder if he has hemmorrhoids.  Surely he can afford one of those donut pillows, right?  Also, M. Ward is sitting between Jenny Lewis and Zooey Deschanel as they both talk about how great it is to work with him.  He looks uncomfortable and isn't speaking again.  I imagine that this is a "Jerry Springer"  taping instead, and any minute Zooey and Jenny will attack each other over who M. Ward loves more.  Anything would be more interesting than this.  Costello is the worst interviewer I've ever seen, and Zooey is kind of a moron.
 
8:50pm:  Jenny Lewis plays "Pretty Bird"  off of her upcoming album, Acid Tongue.  It's kind of good in a slick corporate kind of way.  Much better than the song Elvis Costello opened the show with.
 
9:00pm:  Break in shooting.  People are escaping like mad.  The crew are trying to convince them to stay, but to no avail.  Run hipsters, run!  Escape the trainwreck!

9:09pm:  Elvis interviews Jakob Dylan.  He is wearing a cowboy hat.  The stage just got a lot less attractive.  Now there are two stupid hats on one stage.  Dylan just used the word "compadre".  What an asshole.
 
9:15pm:  Music dork-out in full effect between Dylan and Costello.  Elvis just said that "A Boy Named Sue" was written by Johnny Cash (it was Shel Silverstein), and Jakob Dylan said that "Lost in the Supermarket" by The Clash was sung by Joe Strummer (it was actually sung by Mick Jones).  If you are going to talk about music, at least know your facts. Elvis is reminiscing about Joe Strummer.  He might cry.
 
9:23pm:  Now Costello is talking about old soul singers with Dylan.  He has just sung the praises of Aretha Franklin, Solomon Burke, Otis Redding, and Sam Cooke.  Does anyone else remember when he called Ray Charles "a blind fucking nigger"?  I guess not...
 
9:25pm:  Costello is like your drunken uncle who's lived quite a life, and should have fascinating stories, but instead just rambles on with no point.  His stories go nowhere and Jakob Dylan is boring.  At least with Jenny and Zooey I had something to stare at, not just two assholes in ridiculous hats.
 
9:30pm:  Dylan just started playing an acoustic version of his Wallflowers hit "One Headlight".  It sounds like his dad circa Nashville Skyline but horrible.  I wish that one headlight would illuminate the crowd, showing how unsatisfied they are.
 
9:45pm:  Dylan and Costello play another song after lots of tuning.  This is like watching an old man blues jam at the afformentioned uncle's house.  I think the song is called "Masterpiece".  Whatever.
 
9:52pm:  Another break in shooting.  The great crowd exodus part two continues.
 
9:59pm:  Elvis is interviewing Jakob Dylan again.  I think Leo is sleeping.  Elvis just keeps asking rambling, leading questions and then cuts off the subject to answer it himself.
 
10:05pm:  Leo is awake again and digging his nails into the flesh in his wrist.  He stopped blinking a few minutes ago.  I'm scared.  My ass is also sweaty and stuck to the seat.
 
10:15pm:  All-Star jam with Costello, Deschanel, Lewis, and her boyfriend, musician Jonathan Rice.  I think the song is called "Carpetbagger".

 
10:20pm:  Another song, I think the title is "Why Don't You Go Away".  It's a rocker, and actually kind of good.  I wonder about what sex between Jonathan Rice and Jenny Lewis must be like.  I bet it's a mess of hair and vintage clothing.
 
10:28pm:  Another song with Jakob Dylan.  No, wait...Elvis needs to tell shitloads of stories that go nowhere.  And then it's back to the ASS-KISSING AND VERBAL HANDJOBS!  WOO HOO!
 
10:32pm:  Dylan and Costello play "Straight to Hell"  by The Clash.
 
10:39pm:  All the artists featured join the band onstage for a version of Nick Lowe's "What's So Funny ('Bout Peace, Love, and Understanding)".  It's actually really good.  I come to a couple of realizations during the song:
 

1. Tennessee Thomas (The Attractions drummer Pete Thomas' daughter) is a pretty darn good drummer for a ten year old.  Too bad she's dressed like a pilgrim.
2. Jonathan Rice looks like a shitty Gram Parsons mixed with that guy that invites Billy Crudup to the party in Almost Famous.
3. Zooey Deschanel can't dance and has no rhythm.
4. Jenny Lewis is dancing like she needs a pole to swing on.
5. Jakob Dylan is one "molestache" and 50 years away from looking exactly like his dad.
6. M. Ward looks like he is on medication that makes him unaware of his surroundings.
7. The rest of the band is old as dirt, and...
8. I'm pretty sure Elvis Costello's guitar isn't even plugged in.

 
Good times.